Still In a Funk

 

Still in a Funk

I finished a book a couple days ago and have been in a funk since then.  The book is “All the Dancing Birds”.  It is fiction and the story is about a woman with Alzheimer’s, written from her perspective.  It goes from the beginning of her diagnosis to the end of her life.  I liked the book but every night when I stopped reading, I felt sad, lonely, depressed and scared.  I put myself in her place or thought about My Michaels mother, who just passed away in August.  I watched my Papa die in the 1980’s with this disease.  When I came in to Michael’s life, they had just put his Mom in a nursing home.  That was August of 2011.  I had firsthand experience with her dementia and how it affected the family.  This book was probably more powerful for that reason.  With all that said, my funk isn’t even about Alzheimer’s.  When I get depressed, which isn’t often anymore, all my insecurities come rushing forward.  Some of them I won’t discuss with anyone but my man and I only journaled about them.  Others are okay to list.  I get those stupid, insecure, I’m not good enough/smart enough/young enough/thin enough thoughts.  Really hate those as they bring in other crap.  Then there is the, I don’t have enough money in the bank and should go get a job.  With that comes, I am too old to get a job (except Walmart) and I don’t want a job.  I take on my son’s problems, my ex’s health issues, siblings problems.  I wonder if I was supposed to stay in my marriage and accept the fear, loneliness, pain and stress. Sometimes I just want to talk and I don’t want girlfriends and all that goes with it.   I have sisters to discuss things with but they have busy lives and don’t need to deal with my funk.   So, my journal got most of my feelings this time, you got a very short edition of it and My Michael and I will talk tonight over some wine, a fire and Kleenex.  I am planning on being “all good” tomorrow.  Why did I put this out there?  I think all the stresses I have had in my life, have mostly been kept inside.  I am sure it contributed to my melanoma in ’05 and I am working on letting go.  You get to be my shrink.

Flying Into Portland 20/365 Photo – September 18 2013

Flying into Portland

Flying into Portland

Exactly one month ago I posted my last blog, as we left for Portland that day.  I thought I would be able to post every day but it didn’t work out that way.  We got in on Sunday and spent the next 6 days sitting at My Michael’s Mother’s bedside along with two sisters, a bro-in-law, a nephew and his wife.  Marion left us on Friday evening after a couple year battle with Alzheimers and dementia.  Michael walked in as she took her last breath.  It was a sad but  joyous event, as she went to be with Jesus.  She lived her life for Him and is now happier than she had ever been.   It was a wonderful experience for me as I spent so much time with this absolutely wonderful and giving family.  I will post much more on this in coming days.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

My Michaels Mom has dementia and Alzheimers.  Last year he and his brother took Marion from a home that did not meet her needs in NE Wisconsin, to a Wonderful place in Oregon near their sister.  We had purchased tickets to fly out in September.  We keep in contact w/sister and a couple days ago she said Mom is refusing to get out of bed and won’t eat.  She is shutting down.  Marion is a devout Christian and a  warrior for Christ.  We believe she just wants to go home to be with the Lord.

Yesterday sister called and told us that Mom is getting worse everyday.  So, we called American Airlines and changed the flight.  We fly out this afternoon and return on Friday.  The woman at American was wonderful and charged us no fee plus got us great tickets at a great price.  If anything changes we can stay longer or leave sooner with no fee.  We are very impressed with them.  The original tickets were non refundable and non transferable.  So, last night I got things ready to leave our little cabin for a week.  Watered the plants but I am worried as there is no rain in the forecast.  Fingers crossed.

I had to put off my last week of training for my new Postal job until after we get home.  My postmaster was great about it.

This is not a vacation but we will try to enjoy our time there.  My Michael has made peace with his Moms disease and her eventual passing.  But, you are never truly ready for it until it happens.  I know that with my Moms death in 2010.  I am there to be his support and take pics and videos.  He is a memory keeper, My Michael.

I will be somewhat selfish as I am excited to be somewhere else and able to take pictures.  Me and my new virgin like camera will be snapping away.  I think with my 32G disc I can take over 1000 pictures.  We are not too far from Eugene and not sure of the terrain there.  My man says we are an hour from the ocean so that may not happen.

Hoping to post my pics everyday.