Hello!! You’re Married…

People may think that because I am divorced, I have no right to give marriage advice to anyone.  I disagree.  I was married for 34 years before I decided to leave for the last time.  We are both good people.  I was a good wife.  He was not a good husband.  He now agrees with both of those statements.

I was brought up by parents who loved each other and never fought.  I never saw them argue even though I know Mom didn’t always agree with everything Dad did.  I joked with them that not showing their children how to openly disagree was bad when one of us married an arguer.  We laughed about it but I honestly believe that my mother’s compliance was carried on by her daughter.

My ex came from somewhat abusive, and eventually divorced parents.  He had plenty of aggression shown to him as he grew up.  As a parent, I feel sad for him as the child growing up in that situation.  I also have moments I could sit down and cry because of the crap my son had to live with.

I will not go in to the details of why we didn’t make it, but will share some thoughts.

The fact that two completely different human beings, a man and a woman, are about to live together forever, is an interesting yet scary thing.  Think about it, try to prepare.  It is not a fairy tale, it is real life with real life stuff.  There’s bills and babies, illnesses and in-laws, old flames and old age.

If everything was sunshine and lollipops when you were dating/engaged and all of a sudden that person turns in to a monster/bitch when married, not good.  But, if he spoiled you with flowers and now that you are married he can’t afford it, suck it up, be a grown up.  If she wore her makeup every time she was around you and all of a sudden she doesn’t, get over it, she’s a real person not a movie star.  If he is from a family of a few boys and leaves the toilet seat up, Ladies, put it down.  If her “stuff” is all over the bathroom counter, Guys, get used to it.

Most men are not big talkers (except my brother Pat), so ladies, don’t assume that when they are quiet, something is wrong.  Don’t ask with that whiney voice, “what’s going on”.  More than likely they are just in their head.  And guys, women talk, at least look her way once in a while and grunt. Try listening, it may not be as uncomfortable as you think and you might learn something.

Many women I know, think that their men should be able to read their minds and figure out that they need a hug or help with something.  If they don’t get what they want, they can be moody, pissy or bitchy.  This can also be men, and who likes to see a moody, pissy, bitchy guy?  If you need something, ask for it!!  Give them a hug, stop waiting!

Understand that the things you get upset at your spouse for, could be your insecurities and nothing he/she did.  If they are having a conversation with the opposite sex and you get jealous, is it because of something they are doing wrong?  Or, is it an insecurity you have about them leaving or a wound from the past?  If it’s your stuff, talk about it. Don’t blame him/her.

Communication, honesty and truth are things I did not have in my marriage.  I have them now.  It is so refreshing to be able to say to someone, I am sad, I am mad, I am jealous and be able to have an open and loving conversation regarding those feelings.  We discuss everything that is brought up.  I am with a man that I feel safe with and have enough trust in to discuss anything.

Possibly I could have had this with my ex but he was not willing to compromise. Compromise is a no-brainer and you should realize that going into a marriage.

He was right. I was wrong.

I was weak.  He was strong.

Now it’s over. The marriage gone.

Now I am right.  I am strong.

 

This started as a comment on great snaps, goodreads and me regarding a post from today.  It got a little too wordy so I decided to post it on my blog.

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28 thoughts on “Hello!! You’re Married…

    • It’s definitely not impossible and doesn’t even have to be difficult. Finding the person that is suited to you, having the honesty to communicate all feelings and thoughts and then the maturity to accept the reality that is life are key. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  1. This all rings a very loud bell!! I am so happy you have someone you can be open and honest with, I am in the same position now, and it is joyful. We don’t always agree, but at least we know how we both feel.An indicator to me about how much my life has changed, was when I noticed a coffee grain in the sugar jar, and didn’t frantically try to remove it, accompanied by a feeling of dread! I loved that coffee granule. I left it there!!

  2. What a great post; I’m so glad you wrote it! I especially love your ending. People really don’t know what they’re getting into and it’s a shock when they wake up and the honeymoon is over. I know it was for me. Why don’t people tell you these things???? I’m so glad you were able to get a fresh start!:)

  3. This is so true, especially about women going around the houses instead of being frank and direct with their men. In my marriage we’ve always said it as it is, instead of playing games. This seems to work for us and we understand each other better for it.

    • Talking and being honest with no fear is key to a happy marriage. What I have now is totally opposite of what I had then. It’s just too bad it took me until I was closing in on 60 to find it.

      • I say exactly what I mean to my husband and he returns the favour; no games for us. You are right when you say this is essential for a happy marriage. He is not afraid of upsetting me by being frank and I know he appreciates my honesty. That doesn’t mean you have to be brutally frank. If you put some thought into it when you want to say something negative, it can be sugar coated.

      • I agree to the honesty and doing it without being hurtful. I am very careful to be respectful most of the time. Sometimes it is just hard not to laugh at the adolescent boy inside of him.

  4. Isn’t it wonderful to be living an honest life – with yourself and with your significant other. It’s so easy to see what others should or shouldn’t be doing in their relationships, but like you said, so much is ingrained in how you were raised. Happiness knows no bounds for you now and how great for you! Joy oh joy!!!!

  5. Yeah…put the toilet seat down and get over it! Sorry…was I supposed to get more from that? Kidding…after a failed marriage myself, and now in the greatest relationship I’ve ever encountered, I see the mistakes that both myself and my ex made. The author is my sister and I have found her to be a fantastic resource for advice. Some good, some…well…let’s say we don’t always agree. But I appreciate her being there for me.

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