Hello!! You’re Married…

People may think that because I am divorced, I have no right to give marriage advice to anyone.  I disagree.  I was married for 34 years before I decided to leave for the last time.  We are both good people.  I was a good wife.  He was not a good husband.  He now agrees with both of those statements.

I was brought up by parents who loved each other and never fought.  I never saw them argue even though I know Mom didn’t always agree with everything Dad did.  I joked with them that not showing their children how to openly disagree was bad when one of us married an arguer.  We laughed about it but I honestly believe that my mother’s compliance was carried on by her daughter.

My ex came from somewhat abusive, and eventually divorced parents.  He had plenty of aggression shown to him as he grew up.  As a parent, I feel sad for him as the child growing up in that situation.  I also have moments I could sit down and cry because of the crap my son had to live with.

I will not go in to the details of why we didn’t make it, but will share some thoughts.

The fact that two completely different human beings, a man and a woman, are about to live together forever, is an interesting yet scary thing.  Think about it, try to prepare.  It is not a fairy tale, it is real life with real life stuff.  There’s bills and babies, illnesses and in-laws, old flames and old age.

If everything was sunshine and lollipops when you were dating/engaged and all of a sudden that person turns in to a monster/bitch when married, not good.  But, if he spoiled you with flowers and now that you are married he can’t afford it, suck it up, be a grown up.  If she wore her makeup every time she was around you and all of a sudden she doesn’t, get over it, she’s a real person not a movie star.  If he is from a family of a few boys and leaves the toilet seat up, Ladies, put it down.  If her “stuff” is all over the bathroom counter, Guys, get used to it.

Most men are not big talkers (except my brother Pat), so ladies, don’t assume that when they are quiet, something is wrong.  Don’t ask with that whiney voice, “what’s going on”.  More than likely they are just in their head.  And guys, women talk, at least look her way once in a while and grunt. Try listening, it may not be as uncomfortable as you think and you might learn something.

Many women I know, think that their men should be able to read their minds and figure out that they need a hug or help with something.  If they don’t get what they want, they can be moody, pissy or bitchy.  This can also be men, and who likes to see a moody, pissy, bitchy guy?  If you need something, ask for it!!  Give them a hug, stop waiting!

Understand that the things you get upset at your spouse for, could be your insecurities and nothing he/she did.  If they are having a conversation with the opposite sex and you get jealous, is it because of something they are doing wrong?  Or, is it an insecurity you have about them leaving or a wound from the past?  If it’s your stuff, talk about it. Don’t blame him/her.

Communication, honesty and truth are things I did not have in my marriage.  I have them now.  It is so refreshing to be able to say to someone, I am sad, I am mad, I am jealous and be able to have an open and loving conversation regarding those feelings.  We discuss everything that is brought up.  I am with a man that I feel safe with and have enough trust in to discuss anything.

Possibly I could have had this with my ex but he was not willing to compromise. Compromise is a no-brainer and you should realize that going into a marriage.

He was right. I was wrong.

I was weak.  He was strong.

Now it’s over. The marriage gone.

Now I am right.  I am strong.

 

This started as a comment on great snaps, goodreads and me regarding a post from today.  It got a little too wordy so I decided to post it on my blog.

Ring of Fire or My Love of All Things Spicy!!

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I’m not sure when I had my first experience with spicy.  It may have been the weak “taco sauce” Mom used for her Wisconsin tacos.  Or, the fact that my uncle pushed me, or tricked me into trying new foods.  Like the time he gave me a bite of his “sirloin steak”.  We were a family of little money and many children, so sirloin was not on the menu.  I loved the new taste, even when he told me it was actually liver.  With that experience in mind, it may have been Uncle Willy’s trickery that began my journey of fearless food discover, including spicy.

Tabasco is my all-time favorite, with its vinegar taste, a definite plus.  I can’t imagine an egg without it.  It was a requirement when eating in the mess hall.  SOS with tabasco was one of the best parts of being in the Army.

When eating at a Mexican Restaurant, I’ll judge it by the salsa they serve when I first arrive.  It must be tasty, and have a bite.

I keep a huge container of pickled jalapenos in the refrigerator and add them to most things.  There is also a container of horseradish that is used regularly.  I know horseradish is not the same hot as a habanero, but I love its “heat”.

I have even been known to put a touch of cayenne in my brownies.  Just enough to have people wondering if there is something different about them.

I won’t say,” the hotter the better”.  I need to be able to taste it, but I do love spicy

Is This You?

 

My sibs and I in late 70's.

My sibs and I in late 70’s.

Recently I finished reading “The Birth Order” book and found it fascinating.  Do you see yourself here?

Are you:

  • A list maker
  • A problem solver
  • Organized but have a messy desk
  • An advice giver
  • A people person with very few friends
  • Logical
  • A perfectionist
  • Someone who straightens pictures on walls or pillows on couches

If you answered yes to most of these traits, you are probably a first born or only child.  As a firstborn you are scholarly, hard driving, a bit serious and critical and more than likely you don’t like surprises.

Or, are you:

  • Manipulative
  • An attention seeker
  • Class clown or comedian of the family
  • A lover of surprises
  • Affectionate
  • A people person

Yes to these and you take the lastborn or baby position.  You are fun, the life of the party but can also be spoiled, impatient and impetuous.  Often you feel as if you are not taken serious, especially by your family.  Many of you, as Dr. Leman puts it, “have a burning desire to make an important contribution to the world”.

And last but not least, are you:

  •  A mediator
  • Compromising
  • A conflict avoider
  • Loyal to your peers with many friends
  • Secretive
  • Unspoiled

These are the mysterious middle children.  Their personalities are strongly influenced by the sibling directly above them.  They may model them or go in a complete opposite direction.  There have been many articles published and most agree that of all birth order positions, the middle child is the most difficult to define, let alone describe or generalize about.

There are 8 siblings in my family.  I am the oldest and after 50 years I finally understand why I do certain things.  I am also pleased to understand the whys of the rest of my sisters and brothers.  Things just make sense now.  I have no friends, I want no friends and it is okay because I am an oldest.  Now when my brother Pat gets out on the dance floor when the song, “Play that Funky Music White Boy” comes on and dances to it, I understand he is not weird, he is the baby.

This is not an exact science but pretty close.  It doesn’t always go as simply as I stated.  Family situations and circumstances also come in to play.  Oldest child can mean oldest daughter and oldest son.  The gaps in age also make a difference.

After my father died, Mom remarried and they had two girls.  So, actually Pat is not the baby but is the typical baby and the baby of the first six.

I listen and observe at all functions I go to and it is pretty easy to spot an oldest and a baby.  I have fun with it and actually keep a notebook with me to write down what I see and predict the birth order.  People are surprised if they haven’t heard about Dr. Lemans book or the others that are out there.  It is a great discussion to have as they look at their own families.

This is written for Blogging 101, Day 6 – publish a post for your dream reader

I love to read, write, discuss.  This is written for those who also love to read interesting books on fascinating subjects.

What Was I Thinking?

I read a lot of nonfiction.  Any subject from nutrition and fitness to intelligence, birth order, addiction and so much more.  I find these topics fascinating.  Sometimes I find it difficult to “just” read.  I want to share, I want to discuss.

In January of 2013 I made the decision to blog.  My assumption was, I write, people read, discussion follows.  Quickly I realized that I had to put some work in to it if I wanted people to look at my posts.  Within a couple of months, I had over 100 fellow bloggers following me.  The next realization I had was that, like Facebook, people collect people, friends, and followers.  The majority of these people do not comment and I assume do not even read most posts. There is a small percentage who “like” and a handful who comment.

I never considered myself a writer or a photographer but I do both on my blog.  I struggle with the writing more than the photography.  I will continue to post and enjoy that handful of people I interact with as they make it worth it.  Thank you to them!

This is for day 3 of Blogging 101.  Penny for your thoughts.

When you first thought about blogging, you had a post idea; something you wanted to say, a photo to share, a story on the tip of your brain. Maybe you just wanted to cultivate a writing habit — but you probably had an idea for a post, no matter how nascent. Today, you’ll write it.

Who Am I?

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Who am I?  Interesting question.  The answer changes with time, although I am still, just Deb.  At this point I’ll say I am a happy, healthy, vibrant and witty woman.  I run, walk, kayak and bike.  Next week is our first 5K trail run and the week after another 5K with our annual triathlon in August.   I am more confident than I’ve ever been.  An almost 2 year divorcee after a 35 year marriage.  A Mom, Grandma, Daughter and oldest sister to 7.  Most important is that I am a best friend and love to the most amazing man I’ve ever known.

Why am I here?  As a so-so, off and on writer and new lover of photography with no friends (please give me no tips as it is the way I like it) and busy sibs, I need to share with someone.

This is shorter than I wanted but I am 2 days behind. This is yesterday’s assignment and still need to do today’s. I signed up for blogging 101 and am very excited to do the daily assignments.  I will be changing my “about me” soon because I am a different person than I was a year ago.

Monday Morning Spring Snow

Last week we had temperatures around 50 – 60 degrees F. Snow was pretty much gone. But today we got one more taste of the beautiful winters here in Wisconsin.

Footbridge

The Footbridge

Robin in Snow

What’s going on?

Snow Skeleton

Snow skeleton?

Picnic Table Icicle

I saw a family having a picnic here last week.