People may think that because I am divorced, I have no right to give marriage advice to anyone. I disagree. I was married for 34 years before I decided to leave for the last time. We are both good people. I was a good wife. He was not a good husband. He now agrees with both of those statements.
I was brought up by parents who loved each other and never fought. I never saw them argue even though I know Mom didn’t always agree with everything Dad did. I joked with them that not showing their children how to openly disagree was bad when one of us married an arguer. We laughed about it but I honestly believe that my mother’s compliance was carried on by her daughter.
My ex came from somewhat abusive, and eventually divorced parents. He had plenty of aggression shown to him as he grew up. As a parent, I feel sad for him as the child growing up in that situation. I also have moments I could sit down and cry because of the crap my son had to live with.
I will not go in to the details of why we didn’t make it, but will share some thoughts.
The fact that two completely different human beings, a man and a woman, are about to live together forever, is an interesting yet scary thing. Think about it, try to prepare. It is not a fairy tale, it is real life with real life stuff. There’s bills and babies, illnesses and in-laws, old flames and old age.
If everything was sunshine and lollipops when you were dating/engaged and all of a sudden that person turns in to a monster/bitch when married, not good. But, if he spoiled you with flowers and now that you are married he can’t afford it, suck it up, be a grown up. If she wore her makeup every time she was around you and all of a sudden she doesn’t, get over it, she’s a real person not a movie star. If he is from a family of a few boys and leaves the toilet seat up, Ladies, put it down. If her “stuff” is all over the bathroom counter, Guys, get used to it.
Most men are not big talkers (except my brother Pat), so ladies, don’t assume that when they are quiet, something is wrong. Don’t ask with that whiney voice, “what’s going on”. More than likely they are just in their head. And guys, women talk, at least look her way once in a while and grunt. Try listening, it may not be as uncomfortable as you think and you might learn something.
Many women I know, think that their men should be able to read their minds and figure out that they need a hug or help with something. If they don’t get what they want, they can be moody, pissy or bitchy. This can also be men, and who likes to see a moody, pissy, bitchy guy? If you need something, ask for it!! Give them a hug, stop waiting!
Understand that the things you get upset at your spouse for, could be your insecurities and nothing he/she did. If they are having a conversation with the opposite sex and you get jealous, is it because of something they are doing wrong? Or, is it an insecurity you have about them leaving or a wound from the past? If it’s your stuff, talk about it. Don’t blame him/her.
Communication, honesty and truth are things I did not have in my marriage. I have them now. It is so refreshing to be able to say to someone, I am sad, I am mad, I am jealous and be able to have an open and loving conversation regarding those feelings. We discuss everything that is brought up. I am with a man that I feel safe with and have enough trust in to discuss anything.
Possibly I could have had this with my ex but he was not willing to compromise. Compromise is a no-brainer and you should realize that going into a marriage.
He was right. I was wrong.
I was weak. He was strong.
Now it’s over. The marriage gone.
Now I am right. I am strong.
This started as a comment on great snaps, goodreads and me regarding a post from today. It got a little too wordy so I decided to post it on my blog.