Still In a Funk

 

Still in a Funk

I finished a book a couple days ago and have been in a funk since then.  The book is “All the Dancing Birds”.  It is fiction and the story is about a woman with Alzheimer’s, written from her perspective.  It goes from the beginning of her diagnosis to the end of her life.  I liked the book but every night when I stopped reading, I felt sad, lonely, depressed and scared.  I put myself in her place or thought about My Michaels mother, who just passed away in August.  I watched my Papa die in the 1980’s with this disease.  When I came in to Michael’s life, they had just put his Mom in a nursing home.  That was August of 2011.  I had firsthand experience with her dementia and how it affected the family.  This book was probably more powerful for that reason.  With all that said, my funk isn’t even about Alzheimer’s.  When I get depressed, which isn’t often anymore, all my insecurities come rushing forward.  Some of them I won’t discuss with anyone but my man and I only journaled about them.  Others are okay to list.  I get those stupid, insecure, I’m not good enough/smart enough/young enough/thin enough thoughts.  Really hate those as they bring in other crap.  Then there is the, I don’t have enough money in the bank and should go get a job.  With that comes, I am too old to get a job (except Walmart) and I don’t want a job.  I take on my son’s problems, my ex’s health issues, siblings problems.  I wonder if I was supposed to stay in my marriage and accept the fear, loneliness, pain and stress. Sometimes I just want to talk and I don’t want girlfriends and all that goes with it.   I have sisters to discuss things with but they have busy lives and don’t need to deal with my funk.   So, my journal got most of my feelings this time, you got a very short edition of it and My Michael and I will talk tonight over some wine, a fire and Kleenex.  I am planning on being “all good” tomorrow.  Why did I put this out there?  I think all the stresses I have had in my life, have mostly been kept inside.  I am sure it contributed to my melanoma in ’05 and I am working on letting go.  You get to be my shrink.

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10 thoughts on “Still In a Funk

    • It was some funky feelings for a few days as I tried to think it out in my head before I spoke it out loud. I finally have a man who wants to know everything and anything that I am thinking/feeling. It makes such a difference to have someone like that. Thanks for the comment. Funk gone!

  1. Hard times suck. You put your public face on, your family face on, your mom face on, but inside you are in a funk and no one wants to hear about it. You want to explain your funk and you don’t. You don’t need people to understand. You just need them to listen. You don’t need them to console. Just listen. You don’t need them to tell you how or why it will be better. You just need them to listen. No one truly listens so you bury the feelings and then “suddenly” you cry for days and everyone tells you to tell them what’s wrong. So you smile and put your face back on and tell them “nothing” and all is well with the world.

  2. That’s how my previous life looked, not my present one. I now have someone who wants to hear it all and we figure it out from there. It’s when I wait to try to figure it out for myself that I get in trouble and worry. He reminds me not to do that and someday I may listen. Funk gone, all good! Thanks!

  3. Deb, I relate to a lot of what you are saying. Have you ever heard the term Empath? Check it out and let me know what you think.

    • I just checked out Empath. Interesting stuff, never heard of it before. Something new learned and to ponder. Thanks for the info and for following. Will check out your new post when it comes out.

      • Yeah for me, an empath is someone who unconsciously or consciously takes on the feelings of other people, sometimes they can even get depressed not knowing why but because they are picking up on other’s feelings etc. etc. there’s quite a bit of information on it. I’m not saying that you’re an empath or that I am either but when you said that after reading that book you’d feel sad and: ” I take on my son’s problems, my ex’s health issues, siblings problems” it made me think of the characteristics of an empath and I know that becoming aware of those characteristics can help make you aware of the nature of our sensitivity and choose to protect our energy. But the fact that you knew people who went through the dis-ease could also mean that when you read the book you were just relating to the character and able to put yourself in her shoes, etc. Well I hope you are feeling better today 🙂 Looking forward to your next blog post. and you are an excellent writer!

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